My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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