He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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