Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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