Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
