I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
