you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
