A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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