dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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