My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
