you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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