I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
True strength comes from lack of pants
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
