do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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