you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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