Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
