So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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