I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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