It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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