woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
