tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
