dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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