I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
