Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
