Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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