I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
