I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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