Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
