there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
