She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
