After last night, I could never be a politician.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
