i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize