he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
