They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
