You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
