just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
