3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
