We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
