I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
