I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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