just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
