i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
