1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
