had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize