Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
