Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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