just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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