I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
