That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
