dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
