Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
