Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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