what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
