someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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