Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize