Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
