I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
