i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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