I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
and she was petting her beer can
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
