Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
